i was just thinking while i was volunteering at sabathani about whether my grandma would be proud of what i'm doing today, i'm thinking she would be even though she always used to try to make receptionist jobs unappealing (i remember when i was thinking of things i wanted to study a long time ago.. i think it was when i was still wasting my life at burnsville, i asked her, "what about a receptionist? i'm good at typing and i think i could probably be good at office jobs since i'm pretty organized.." then she said, "OH!.. no.. then you have to answer phones and deal with rude people.. you don't wanna do that, do you? no.." then i'm not sure if that spurred my interest because my grandma was trying to sway me away from wanting to be a receptionist.) the same thing probably goes for my interest to move to new york and the east coast because my grandma seemed to be so supportive and interested when my uncle todd moved to wyoming. i liked it when i was younger.. but now that i've lived life- i realize there are lots of hicks there and they're racist, besides there's even less to do there compared to minnesota. i remember running into racist kids in wyoming when i was younger. it made me feel ashamed of being hispanic. i remember wanting to be a meteorologist when i was younger and that was just to impress my grandma. now, when i think of the weather- i don't find any interest at all.. if it rains, it rains.. if it snows, it snows.. just have to adapt to it. i don't find any interest in it anymore. i'm pretty sure my grandma is partially responsible for giving my mom the idea she was slow and couldn't read. just so you know, i'm pretty sure you figured this out by now- being slow and illiterate is NOT "cool" or anything remotely positive, mom. being the victim like you always like playing is NOT cool or anything to be proud of.. i'm pretty sure my grandma gave up on swaying me to be a little version of her (i'm not really sure why.. although she did used to call me the "little bitch" and she was "the big bitch" because we had a similar attitude and opinions on things). the grandaughter that resembles my grandma's personality most (with exception to her temper.. i probably am more like her than this granddaughter) would have to be my cousin jessiy. i say that because i know my grandma was on tons of anxiety meds and she tried to have control on everything and everyone around her. which is why she tried to convince me not to be a receptionist because she was so nervous that i'd run into the wrong person and they would end up hurting my feelings or something. in order for a person to have knowledge about something- THEY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE IT. i'm aware that i don't have the benefit of having parents who own an apartment i can live in, giving me free rent, and basically carefree- unlike my mom. when she fucking realizes that I am ALL i got. that was proven to me a long time ago (probably around 10.. maybe 15 years ago) when i called my mom and amanda in the emergency room just to let them know what was happening and my mom was the only one who answered the phone and she didn't offer any support by bawling the second i told her i was in the emergency room. crying about things does NOT solve anything. it won't get me out of the damn emergency room. i tried calling amanda to no answer at all. i tried calling her mom (my grandma's sister) and she told me she was up north so she didn't get good connection there. i realize amanda is NOT my mom. she's not even my guardian- even though i think that might've been what my grandma was trying to make her before getting the picture that I am smart enough to make my own decisions. proof of that would be how my grandma didn't make it so people didn't think i could make my own decisions. she even told me several times about how i "had my head on your {my} shoulders to make her own decisions".. but if something ever happened- she wanted to be sure that someone was there to make sure my rights weren't taken away.
i hope i can actually sleep decently tonight. i gotta wake up at around 7:45 to get ready for my interview. the job coach filling in for my regular one is gonna take me to the interview at 9:45. i hope i'll actually fall asleep at a reasonable time. if i were to go to bed early- it really wouldn't pay.. i'd just lay there with my eyes closed, attempting to fall asleep and i wouldn't get to bed until after 1 am or 2 am tomorrow since i don't have my cpap working yet. the guy from healtheast health alert is supposed to come to my place at 12 or 1 tomorrow since my health alert doesn't work- so if i need help, i need to manually call 911 which isn't convenient. plus- the cops here in st. paul seem to be more of pricks than in burnsville (who were honestly glad to help me- they must not have much to do compared to st. paul police or they're just better at their jobs naturally). the cops here act irritated if i call them if i fall or something and they say, "she's not bleeding. she's fine." or something along those lines. they might as well kneel on my damn chest. i'm kinda thinking i had to press my health alert one time when i was living at the previous apartment in st. paul because i was having trouble breathing and they brought me to the emergency room. i don't remember why i had to stay the night. so the cpap is also necessary for me to get solid rest- so i don't end up going through the day sighing because i'm so tired (yes tubs, there IS a health reason why i sigh all the time- NOT JUST FOR FUN OR ATTENTION). i'm not sure if you still try to copy me by sighing fakely, thinking you're cute or something because you do. so i've been forced to resort to an old-person-machine in order to help me sleep.. how fun. *sarcasm* genetics fucks me once again. i honestly can't breathe when i'm sleeping a lot of the time, i don't sigh to be cute or for fun. my brain gets tired from trying to work hard while i'm breathing- so i sigh tiredly a lot especially when i'm really tired.
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